Editor’s Note: Evan Stark ’15 presented the following speech at Mount Holyoke College on Friday, January 17 during Classics Day, a high school Latin event. His speech and outfit won second place in the Costume Contest.
Salvete! My name is Incitatus. I apologize if it is difficult to hear me, my voice is a bit horse. I’m afraid many of you may not have herd of me, so allow me to tell you a little about myself. I began my career as a race-horse. I was the reining champion. I was so good, I even caught the attention of the Emperor Caligula. No Roman emperor has ever ruled with such unbridled madness. What a nightmare! However I was fortunate enough to live a much more stable life.
Caligula was so pleased with my performances he made me a senator. He even gave me gifts. I was living it up in an ivory manger, with purple blankets, and a collar of precious stones. I even had a house with slaves and furniture and everything. The best part was, I got to horse around whenever I wanted.
Now, some people will tell you that Caligula made me a senator manely to poke fun at the other senators, but hay. Don’t listen to those neigh-sayers. After all, who wouldn’t want a stallion like me in the Senate? My looks alone tend to stirrup emotions, and all the mares come unglued at the sight of me.
Anyways, the emperor was just getting to be too much, and so one day I approached Caligula himself. “Listen, man,” I said. “You’re pasture prime. It’s time to bale out. In fact, if you don’t hoof it out of here soon, you could even be assassinated.” But let me tell you something. That Caligula is stubborn as a mule. He stuck to his guns, and sure enough, he didn’t last much longer. Now I’m just a humble horse once again. If he were still alive right now, I could be a consul, and I wouldn’t even have to jockey for the position.
But you know what they say, you whinny some and you lose some.