First off, let me say thank you to everyone in attendance for being here tonight and thank you to the Class of 2014 for selecting me as your speaker. It is an honor and I offer my sincere thanks for this opportunity. Here is your first lesson for your journey through life, say thank you. It is the most important thing you can do.
Well, that and not eating yellow snow; that is your second piece of advice, do not eat yellow snow. If I was an English teacher I might make some metaphor for the yellow snow representing the harmful pollution ruining the innocent beauty of the natural world and by “eating” it you are engaging in the mass production of carbon fuels adding to the slow demise of our delicate planet. But I am a science teacher, so I honestly mean, do not each snow that is yellow. I can’t tell you how often this piece of advice has come in handy.
Enough with the direct advice, I do not want this to be a speech where I tell you everything you will need to know for the rest of your life. Because it doesn’t matter what I say tonight; you won’t remember any of it. If there is one thing I learned from teaching physics to seniors, it’s that it takes more than one lecture for things to sink in. I do have a lot of advice to share, but I find a big audience is not the best way to share it. Even though adults (am I an adult yet?) love telling you how to live your life, I will try to refrain. Therefore this will not be a speech to motivate or inspire you to achieve your goals, do what you love, or to enjoy the small things in life (like the salt and pepper shakers). I just hope to entertain you for the time being, make you laugh, and try to hide advice in the stories I tell.